I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
