i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
