I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
