if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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