Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
