You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
