he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
