i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
