i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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