Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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