it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just high enough for therapy.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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