Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
