The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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