He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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