I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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