in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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