Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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