my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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