I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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