My hair reeks of homosexuality.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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