Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
