I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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