I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
