I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
