the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
