I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
