My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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