shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
being pregnant is like rehab
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
