The maid of honor just puked.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
