before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
