I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Terrible idea I love it
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
