That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
