Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
