What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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