I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
