we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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