I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
