Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
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I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
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i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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