a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
