I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
