I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
