How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
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I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
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he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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