I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
