I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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