This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
