I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
