Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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