i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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