I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
