You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
