I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
