My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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