Ketchup is God's man juice
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
